The Podcast – Episode 7

Hey all,

Episode 7 is live. It’s called ‘Don’t Tell Stories’. I start by discussing the (non) impact of delayed zingers. Then a story called ‘Don’t Tell Stories’. Finally we search for themes when we’d rather do anything other than search for themes.

You can find this episode of Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants just about anywhere you would find your podcasts, or…….

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

The Podcast – Episode 6

Hey all,

Episode 6 is live. It’s called ‘Key Fob Police’. It explores why my eyes are so itchy, and the conspiracy around why my Key Fob won’t open my trunk when I need it. I also tell a ‘back in the day’ story about my friend and I wandering into a police recruitment session.

You can find this episode of Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants just about anywhere you would find your podcasts, or…….

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

This is NOT an April Fools Joke!

The Podcast – Episode 5

Hey all,

Episode 5 is live. It’s called ‘Power Cakes and Price Adjustments’. It features salty rants about unreasonable expectations around consumer rights, and how Facebook’s AI can’t auto prompt some birthday wishes even though it knows EVERYTHING else!

You can find this episode of Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants just about anywhere you would find your podcasts, or…….

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

Have a great weekend!

The Podcast – Episode 4

Hi Folks! The new episode of the podcast is up as of the stroke of midnight, eastern time. This episode centers around trying to find new ways to describe 80’s madness to people that weren’t there. It centers around an old episode of ‘The Price is Right’.

You can find this episode of Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants just about anywhere you would find your podcasts, or…….

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

Have a great weekend!

The Podcast – Episode 3

Sooooo, Episode 3 is up. I think I mentioned last time that I would try to embed a player in this post, so you could listen to it here without having to follow a link. Sigh. I looked into it. Apparently I have to upgrade my WordPress plan in order to do it. When I saw how much money I would have to invest in what would really be a small thing, it didn’t pass the quick and crude cost/benefit analysis. Therefore I will not embed a player here.

The podcast is called Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants, and the new episode centers around my opinions on tattoos and their backstories. You can find it at the following directories……

Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podcast Index, Overcast, Amazon Music, Podcast Addict, Castro, Castbox, Podchaser, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Player FM, Goodpods, Podfriend,

and of course………

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

Thanks for listening!

The Podcast – Episode 2

Hi all,

Episode 2 is now live on the Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants podcast. This one gets very ranty, especially near the end, so if profanity makes you uncomfortable, maybe skip this one 😉

I’m going to try to embed a player in here for next episode. I think it’s possible, but I couldn’t figure out how to do it just yet, and ran out of patience. I am pleased to announce that the Podcast is available almost everywhere you would normally get a podcast from, and this episode uploaded seamlessly, so we’re in good shape going forward. Those places are….

Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podcast Index, Overcast, Amazon Music, Podcast Addict, Castro, Castbox, Podchaser, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Player FM, Goodpods, Podfriend, and………

thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com

The PODCAST

Hi everybody,

I know I haven’t blogged in forever. There are reasons. Number one, I got tired of doing it. Number two, and perhaps more importantly, I decided to turn this into a podcast instead. Let’s face it. Reading is hard work, but listening is EASY. I still have ideas, and thoughts, and rants. I’ve been saving them for the right time. Is this the right time you ask?? No, five years ago was the right time, but that’s ok. Here I am!

I updated social media last night to boldly proclaim that my podcast would launch today on all platforms! Of course that shit didn’t work. I completely underestimated the complexities of the launch, which is totally on brand for me. I do expect this to be widely available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify et al, but maybe not today. The good news is, it did launch, and the better news is, you can get it here. As I’m typing, I’m confident that I will be able to embed the episode here (but I don’t actually know if it will work). The best part of this, is if it doesn’t work, I can just delete everything I have typed here. (Update…. Can’t seem to embed the episode….. bahhhhh…. click the link below to take you to the page.)

Before I go, I’d just like to thank the fans of Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants throughout the years. I know most of you are friends and family, but I did connect with a few people from the blogging community, and even though that was like 10 years ago, if this finds its way into your inbox from an old subscription, then thank you for your patronage, and check out my podcast!

https://thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.buzzsprout.com/

Construction Ducks

Is a story about two love birds, who returning north from wintering in some favorable climate, find each other and begin their courtship.  No online dating required.  Just good old Duck Talk pick up lines.  I mean they were probably flying when they met, what could you possibly say up there?

M – You’re hot

F – You look like you fly good

M – Wanna make babies?

F – You had me at ‘you’re hot’

Animal instincts take over, and they become a couple (actually animal instincts didn’t take over, they were probably running this scenario from jump).  It must have been so romantic they way they gazed into each other’s eyes the whole time, and completely overshot Lake Ontario.  Or perhaps they were looking for something a little more secluded.  Or perhaps he told her he had a private lake.  Probably that.  First body of water he sees that doesn’t look like it’s spoken for becomes the private lake.

F – Cool lake.  What’s with all the bulldozers?

M – Don’t worry about that baby.

So they made sweet love on their private lake, and began to build a nest.  Not a lot of options for nest locations.  This lake is a 5 or 6 day heat wave from not even being a lake anymore, it’s so small.  That doesn’t bother them at all.  They frolic around their little construction site lake, which is soon to suffer a fate, only foreman or contractor could predict.  They don’t need it that long.  How long does it take to make Duck Babies and teach them to fly?  Can’t be that long!

Almost every day I go to visit them.  Not only am I totally obsessed with their unique story, but I’ve been quarantining, and this is what qualifies as ‘getting out’ these days.  I haven’t seen them in a while.  I don’t know if the site didn’t work out, maybe too much construction noise.  Maybe they found a better spot.  Maybe they go out and grab dinner at around that time, because it’s usually 5pm, and everyone knows that Ducks eat dinner at around 5.  Maybe shit just didn’t work out between them.  After all, based on what I’ve said about them (and that’s all we have to go on), their relationship was kind of superficial.  My Duck friends will be in my thoughts literally every time I walk past their home.  I hope whatever has happened, it was for the best, and I wish my Duck friends well.  We’re not really friends though, I just visit them sometimes, and I like to quack at them, but they don’t really quack back, but it’s cool.

 

“Oh to be young, and to feel love’s keen sting!” – Professor Dumbledore

 

Elevator Chit-Chat

For those of us that get into an elevator frequently, there are decisions to be made daily that are perhaps a lot trickier than they look. What do you want your elevator game to be like? Do you want to be that sociable chatty person that acknowledges everyone, and perhaps engages in small talk? Would you rather stare at the door, (or if you’re lucky, some magical piece of information posted on a sheet inside that you can pretend to be really interested in) and be anti-social. Is one better than the other? What does your elevator game say about you as a person? I understand both sides.

My father was a supremely talented small-talker. He never missed an opportunity to engage in conversation with a complete stranger. He thrived on it, and I’m not playing favourites when I say I never saw anyone as good at it. The best part was that he gave no shits whether the person wanted to talk to him or not. It never entered his mind that someone wouldn’t want to talk to him, and he was absolutely charming enough to pull it off even with the toughest of crowds. You’d think the apple wouldn’t fall far from the tree. In a way it doesn’t. I totally CAN talk to strangers too, but when I get into an elevator I want nothing more than for it to be empty. If it’s not empty, I really enjoy walking into an elevator with people who are on their phones or not attempting to engage me in any way. If I can’t have either or those, I’ll take a head nod on the way in, awkward silence until we arrive at the floor, and a polite ‘have a good night’ on the way out. My last choice would be to have someone start chatting me up about something. Unless it’s them telling a quick (really entertaining) story, and me having to come up with a smile and a one-liner at the end, which I can tolerate.

I live on the 6th floor of a Condo building. I used to live on the 5th floor of a Condo building. Coincidence? No. When we picked the floors, I was thinking of two things. One, I’m afraid of heights, and if the shit really hit the fan, I’d like to know that I could tie some bed sheets together and shimmy down some balconies to safety. Two, I hate long elevator rides. Is it the length of the rides themselves that I hate? Or do I hate talking to people in the elevators? A little bit of both.

As a reader, you might be thinking, ‘hey, this guy has a blog, he has lots to say…. why doesn’t he want to talk?’. I do want to talk. Just not to strangers on an elevator. It’s OK though, I tolerate it. There’s one thing I can’t tolerate though (and if you were wondering what prompted me to write this blog, here we go), and that’s someone who starts a conversation in an elevator that they themselves are not interested in. What? Does that actually happen, and more importantly why would it happen? Yes it happens. I don’t know why. It mystifies me, but it does happen periodically, and I can only think that perhaps some people just feel like they SHOULD engage in chit-chat every time they’re in the elevator. Maybe they think it’s impolite not to, or it makes them better people. All of which is fine, but I had a guy the other day start chatting with me, and then when it was my turn to talk, COMPLETELY lost interest in the conversation. Buddy, first of all, I had NO interest in talking to you to begin with, and now here I am, scrambling to say something interesting about the weather, and you’re fading on me???? I live on the 6th floor!!!!!!! It wasn’t a long ride. Focus or fuck off!

To summarize, I think the world has all kinds of people in it. Different people have different elevator etiquette, and that’s OK. I don’t judge anyone, but all I ask is commit to it. You wanna avoid the social awkwardness of neighborly small talk? Me too. You wanna be a Chatty McChattster? Be true to yourself, and annoy all the introverts. BUT…….if you’re gonna try to chat, you better be ready to talk and listen. If I have to take my brain off auto-pilot to have a conversation with you, then finish what you started!

Did I Accidentally Train a Jedi Master?

My son is in Kindergarten. He got to go to his first ‘new-school-friend-birthday party’ today. I got to go as well. Yay for me. There was coffee, pizza and wasps. I enjoyed two thirds of that. This isn’t about me though. Or maybe it is. The party was pretty awesome all things considered, because it was a ‘Star Wars’ themed gathering. My son is pretty into Star Wars (and everything else), and I was too at his age, and I’m old, so I think it’s remarkable that Star Wars is still as relevant today as it was then. Who could have guessed? Neither Farrah Fawcett nor Lee Majors would have guessed that shit.

My son probably became obsessed with Star Wars at the age of 2. He loved Darth Vader. He used to tell me he was my father, like all the time, and he hadn’t even seen the movie, like I have no idea how he knew that line. He was pretty into Stormtroopers as well, but seemed to have no love for Luke Skywalker, and when I was 4, I was all about Luke Skywalker. I was very ‘good over evil’, but it was the 80’s and this is a different time. That said I was a little concerned how drawn to the dark side of the force my son was at such a young age. He seemed a bit like the type that would love to crush the rebellion in one fell swoop (see, I thought it was foul, but I didn’t know whether to spell it foul or fowl, so I googled it, and they were like ‘ACTUALLY…… it was originally FELL’, but that doesn’t sound as good because people I’m sure have been using ‘foul’ for ages now, perhaps in error, and I’m so committed to the line that I’ll just leave it as is, but with an explanation……or I can edit it later, and you’ll never know we had this conversation.) So we would have these light saber duels. He always wanted to do it. They kept getting bigger, and sometimes they weren’t even light sabers, but swords (toy swords of course), or baseball bats, or anything he could pick up and hand me, and he’d say “Let’s fight Daddy”. So we would duel, and he would put on his Darth Vader mask, and hit each other’s swords while he tried to intimidate me by saying all sorts of menacing things in his freaky little bad guy voice. If I had to do it over again I probably should have laid down and played dead at some point so he would think he won, but screw that, man. I’m not letting him win. He thinks he’s just going to defeat me in a battle and then take over the household, no way. So we’ve had a lot of sword fights in the past couple of years. His hand skills are well-developed for a toddler I think.

So today…… a couple of ‘characters’ showed up at this birthday party. The first was a Jedi Master. He was going to train these kids to become Jedi, and had them running and jumping and doing obstacle courses. Parents stood around making awkward conversations with other parents they had just met, but we all nodding in approval like ‘yeah these suckers are gonna sleep tonight!!!’ Then there was light saber training, where each kid would pick up a fake light saber and hit this guy’s light saber a few times. I knew my son would get a kick out of that. Then a guy dressed as Darth Vader came in, and the kids were super excited, and it was a really great kids party I thought. Then….. before the food, but just after Darth Vader had come in, the Jedi Master decides the kids should pit off against one another in light saber battles, and the winner was going to get a prize. Ughhhhh. Before I could get to my son to read him the riot act, he was paired off (with the birthday boy no less) for the first fight. It all happened so fast, like one of those early Mike Tyson fights. Like in the original Star Wars movie, my son was Darth Vader and this kid was the old version of Obi-Wan Kenobi. My son went in on this kid, and I just remember screaming “Not his head, not his head”, and then the kid started crying (maybe more from my screaming than any actual pain… they were fake light sabers), and then my son started crying because his friend was crying….. it was emotional. I was kind of embarrassed, but the birthday boy wasn’t hurt, and moved on pretty quickly, somehow won the prize (which was either always intended for the birthday boy, or given to him out of sympathy.)

It all got smoothed over quickly and we all enjoyed the rest of the party. Soon it was like it never happened, but in the car I could tell my son felt bad about it, and I thought it was a good teaching moment, but then I had to quickly figure out what I wanted the lesson to be. Be gentle?? I guess, but he was ASKED to engage in a light saber battle, and the winner was offered a prize. He tried his hardest to do what he was told to do, and I can’t really fault him for that. I did try to remind him that I’m 5 times his size, so when he hits me with a light saber, it doesn’t do as much damage as when he hits some 40 pound kid, so am I telling him to play down to his competition? Like not try his hardest when competing against someone who isn’t as good (by good I mean specifically at light saber fighting) as him? If he plays sports and he doesn’t try his best because he thinks the other team isn’t good, that will drive me nuts, so I don’t think that’s the lesson. For the purpose of this blog, I’ll say the lesson is ‘Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’, but I don’t know if a 4-year old can grasp that or not, so I just said ‘keep the light saber away from his head next time.’